So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
even my farts smell like vagina
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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