why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
