Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
