It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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