i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
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