you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
