I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
