Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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