Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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