We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think my nap took me to another dimension
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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