He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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