I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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