Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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