i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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