Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
