she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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