i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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