3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
