He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
