My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
