dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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