Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
