So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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