I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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