he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
