I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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