you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
