Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
