I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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