I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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