How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize