All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
