Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
