the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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