my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
