I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
