Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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