I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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