it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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