Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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