I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
