Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
