I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
