I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
