I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
