if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
