and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
