if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
