soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
