I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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