Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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