I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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