just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
